Pat & Jerry & Jesus

(Several years ago, I wrote a short story in which I imagined two televangelists dying at the same time, and meeting with Jesus. Jesus was not pleased...)

 

Pat & Jerry & Jesus

By Milt Shook

 

“Pat, Jerry, have a seat,” Jesus instructed, as the two evangelists entered through a small doorway into a small office. The room was sparse, and appointed with few furnishings and plain walls. It was obvious from their surprised looks that being ushered into a spartan room by a black man was unexpected. The fact that the black man also sported a bit of a slouch due to a bad back, and wore jeans and a yellow polo shirt probably didn’t comport with their expectations, either.

The two men obediently took their seats in two large, straight-backed white chairs situated next to a large white desk. Neither man looked directly at Him, however, which He found irritating. Apparently, these two had bought the whole “eye aversion” bunk hook, line and sinker. That damn book was a pain in the ass.

Jesus stood behind the desk and stared at them for a bit. Though they were surprised, they still had a somewhat cocky air, although he was confident that wouldn’t last long.

“Do you two know why you are here?” He asked finally.

“Yes sir,” Jerry drawled confidently, his averted eyes focused on the wall directly behind Jesus’ left shoulder. “We’ve passed to the other side, and we’re here to receive our just reward.”

Pat silently nodded in agreement, though his confidence was a bit more subdued than Jerry’s. His averted eyes were focused on the white flag hanging by the door.

“Well, you have passed on to the afterlife,” Jesus assured them. “And I can absolutely promise that you will receive your just reward. Everyone does. Peter usually handles this kind of thing, but you’re both special cases, and I wanted to take care of this one myself. There’s a reason you were both called at the same time.”

“We appreciate that, Lord,” Pat drawled with a nod. While Jerry’s accent was genuine, Pat’s Southern drawl was obviously fake, and was accompanied by a truly obnoxious combination smirk/chuckle, a mannerism that had always irritated Jesus no end whenever he had caught the televangelist’s program. He was obviously still in character, which was disturbing, given the circumstances.

“Jerry and I have been great friends in service to You for many years,” Pat smirked/chuckled. “It seems appropriate for us to be called home together. I’m not sure I liked drowning, but it must have been quick, because I don’t remember it.”

“You didn’t drown,” Jesus said. “Both of you fell from a 60-foot yacht as you fished off the coast of Florida, and were eaten by sharks.”

“Was that what happened?” Jerry said, with a hearty laugh. “However you called us home is okay; this is where we belong.”

Jesus stared at Jerry blankly for a moment, and it seemed to catch the man off guard, though his eyes were still averted. “So, Jerry; what did you do during your life to make you worthy of a place next to me in Heaven?” He said finally.

“Well, Lord, I am but a humble servant, so I’m not sure I deserve a place next to you, exactly,” Jerry said. “I worked all my life to take your Word to the masses, and sang your praises to all corners of the Earth. But I only did as I was called to do, so anyplace in Heaven is acceptable to me.”

“I see,” Jesus replied pensively. He turned to Pat. “And Pat, why do you think you belong here?”

“Well, Lord,” Pat smirked/chuckled, “I, too, worked all my life to spread your Word, and I lived by your Word throughout my life, in the hopes of earning an eternal home here.”

Jesus shook his head quietly and paced back and forth behind the desk. His agitation caused both men to shift nervously in their seats. “This is why I wanted to handle this myself,” he said finally. “You two have heard of ‘Judgment Day,’ have you not?”

“Yes, Lord,” both men replied simultaneously.

 “Well, Judgment Day is crap,” Jesus said. “There’s no such thing.”

 The two men gasped, as their averted eyes widened.

 “You know what else is crap?” Jesus asked rhetorically. “That whole averting your eyes thing! Will you two at least give me the courtesy of looking at me when I speak to you? I know the whole eye aversion thing is one of those little rules you people glom onto, but up here, it’s kind of a joke. There are a quite a few joke rules in the Bible.”

 “Really, Lord?” Jerry asked earnestly.

“Oh sure,” Jesus said. “It’s amazing how many otherwise intelligent people fall for some of that garbage. Seriously; why would you even think that someone as all-powerful as God would kill someone for wearing linen or eating pork? Why do you think I rescinded the Ten Commandments while I was down there? Don’t kill people and treat each other honestly and fairly; that’s all you need to do, really.”

 The two men looked puzzled, and Jesus had to suppress a grin; he’d already detected a crack in their arrogant veneer. He smiled at them with a touch of sarcasm and continued.

“As I said, we don’t normally do judgment here,” He said. “Most of that junk was created by religious control freaks on Earth many years ago, in a vain attempt to keep people in line, and that’s all. Seriously; on any given day, millions of souls pass over; who’s supposed to process all of those? It wouldn’t be much of an afterlife if we brought people up here and then forced them to work as processing clerks, would it? Instead, we have a huge computer, which essentially sorts people into categories based on their actions; some folks stay here while others go, well, elsewhere. We rarely make exceptions to the process, but you two were nothing if not exceptional; you certainly deserve special consideration.”

 “Well, thank you, Lord,” Jerry said enthusiastically. At the same time, Pat looked unsure and remained quiet. Before their arrival, Jesus had pegged Jerry as the dumber of the two; he had apparently been right.

 “Don’t thank me yet,” Jesus said. “Let’s start with this question; do you two really believe you represented my views accurately during your lifetime?”

Pat winced and said nothing, as Jerry nodded affirmatively and said, “Yes, Lord, I think I did exactly that.”

 “Did either of you even read what I said about rich people, camels and needles?” Jesus asked pointedly.

 “I sure did, Lord,” Jerry piped up. “It was a great quote; very profound.”

 “And why do you think I said that?” Jesus asked.

 “Because rich people are rarely pious,” Jerry replied. “And it takes piety and submission to Your Word to make it into Heaven.”

 “No!” Jesus snapped. “That’s not why I told the story. For Pete’s sake, Jerry; anyone can be pious, or at least pretend to be. It’s not difficult to proclaim belief in a deity and feign reverence for God, especially when you live in a society in which it’s pretty much required for membership. Most so-called ‘believers’ only believe because they’re afraid not to, so piety is a piece of cake. The camel line was supposed to illustrate just how difficult it is for people who squander their lives acquiring money and material possessions to do those things necessary to get on God’s good side.”

 The two men again fidgeted nervously in their chairs, as Jesus turned to Pat.

“Pat, when you came up here, your reported net worth was between $200 million and $1 billion,” He observed. “Let’s split the difference and say you were worth half a billion. Is that close?”

“Yes, Lord,” Pat answered with a sheepish smirk/chuckle.

“During your time on Earth, what steps did you take to alleviate the suffering for those on the bottom of society?” Jesus asked succinctly.

Pat seemed stunned by the question. “Lord, I gave millions of dollars to the poor while I was down there.”

Jesus gazed deep into Pat’s eyes and responded succinctly; “Bullshit.”

Pat recoiled and gulped. “Excuse me?”

“First of all, that’s not what I asked,” Jesus snapped.

He stood straight up, which hurt his back and made him angrier. “So let’s start by clarifying something. My instruction to help the poor and downtrodden was never about writing checks. When someone asks you for a cloak, I didn’t say give him a dollar to help him buy another one; I told you to give him yours! The fact is, you not only didn’t give anyone a cloak, but the money you provided to the poor came from your donors, not you.”

“That’s not fair!” Pat exclaimed. “I tithed my entire life!”  

“So what do you want, a medal?” Jesus chided. “All of your money came from donations by others, so you were giving someone else’s money to the church, anyway. But withing is at best a minimalist approach to giving. For someone poor, struggling to get by, ten percent is a big deal. But you were so rich, ten percent barely registered to you. Put it this way; despite what you considered to be incredible generosity, you still managed to accumulate a half billion dollars in personal wealth, courtesy of people who were actually tithing, or who thought they were buying a ticket to Heaven.”

 “My Precious Lord and Savior,” Pat smirked/chuckled nervously, “it’s just not that simple The world has become very mercenary; we needed lots of money to preach the Gospel to the world. satellites, transponders, cameras, studios all costs a lot of money.”

 Jesus sighed. “And yet, people donated so much, you were able to spend all that and still amass such a fortune. Seems to me you fell short somewhere. Half a billion dollars would have relieved the suffering of an awful lot of people.”

 “Yes, Lord,” Pat smirked/laughed nervously, “And if I had lived longer, my plan was to evaluate all sorts of options and write a will designed to funnel the money to foundations which would help a lot of people.”

 “Pat, you were nearly 80 when the shark ate you!” Jesus snapped. “You were born into a wealthy family, and you accumulated wealth for 60 years. During that time, hundreds of millions died, and billions of others suffered. While people of modest means managed to scrape enough together to help the poor, you – a so-called religious leader, no less -- primarily used your immense wealth to gain more wealth. I don’t mean to insult you, but have you ever actually read anything I actually said? You seem to have a seriously warped view of my Word, and I feel that’s being kind.”

 “What do you mean, Lord?” Pat asked. “I did everything according to Scripture. I dedicated my entire life to it.”

 “Oh, really?” Jesus asked sarcastically. “Well, frankly, I’m not sure I’m not sure I liked much of what you said in My name. For example, do you honestly think I would have supported your call for the assassination of the elected president of a democratic country?”

 “Yeah, I did make an error there, Lord,” Pat admitted with a smirk/chuckle, “which is why I chose to humble myself and offer an apology that time.”

 “You didn’t choose anything,” Jesus said. “A large number of people became upset and you were forced to back off somewhat, to save your cash cow, and asked them to forgive you for a slip of the tongue. I wonder; if you expected forgiveness for your so-called sins, why were you so unforgiving of others, such as homosexuals?”

 “Homosexuality is an abomination!” Jerry interjected. Jesus responded to the outburst with a derisive glance.

 “I agree with Jerry, Lord,” Pat smirked/chuckled. “The Bible says a man who lays down with another man should be killed. I never went that far, of course; death would have been too extreme. Some did, but I most certainly did not”

 “You sure didn’t seem to have a problem with doing what you could to make them miserable while they were alive, though, did you?” Jesus said. “Neither of you had a problem working to limit their rights and freedoms.”

 “Lord,” Jerry explained, “The only homosexuals I had a problem with were those who flaunted their lascivious acts, and who tried to teach our children that sort of thing.”

 “What sort of thing?” Jesus asked. “You mean teach people how to love each other regardless of the preconceived notions they were force-fed as children? Where do you two get this crap, and don’t tell me the Bible! The Bible also says you should be killed for eating pork or shellfish, and I didn’t see you limiting the rights of those who sell sausage and shrimp. I never condemned homosexuality, and I certainly did not condemn homosexuals, in any case. God introduced homosexuality as a sort of population governor; it is most definitely not a sin. But even if it was a sin, where do you derive the authority – spiritual or otherwise – to limit the rights of anyone? I never advocated a limit on human rights, and certainly not for people acting on their natural tendencies.”

 “Natural?” Jerry said, crinkling his nose at the idea. “No way homosexuality is natural. I find the very idea revolting.”

 “Shh, Jerry,” Pat admonished. “Don’t make him mad.”

“I’m already mad!” Jesus said. “The only reason you two are even here is because I’m trying to decide whether you’re false prophets, or just incredibly stupid.”

 “Well, Lord,” Pat replied. “I’m neither. I studied Scripture for years; my opinions derive from a very careful reading of Scripture. I also have a law degree, and I have personally counseled some of the most powerful men on Earth.”

 “If you studied me for so many years,” Jesus snapped. “then it should be easy for you to cite anything to indicate that I thought it was okay to engage in the persecution of homosexuals in My name!”

The force of the last few words caused Pat and Jerry back into eye aversion mode.

 “You two had better look at me,” Jesus admonished.

Immediately, the men turned their attention to Jesus, who continued;

“For Pete’s sake; I busted my hump trying to teach people to hate the sin, but love the sinner. Yet, you two supposed experts spent your respective lives making up sins out of whole cloth, and lumping sin and sinner together so as to condemn them both, just to keep certain people down. For some reason, people like you need a group to put down, in order to get your message across, whatever that is. Take your stand on abortion, for example. You two always feigned concern for the fetus, yet you did nothing to actually lessen the number of abortions.”

 “Now Lord, I wholeheartedly disagree with that,” Jerry piped up, “The Supreme Court’s decision in Roe v. Wade was an abomination, and I spent more than 30 years trying to overturn that unfortunate decision, and make abortion illegal.”

 “Okay,” Jesus said, nodding. “But what did you do to actually stop abortions?”

 “Lord, making abortion illegal would have stopped most of them from happening,” Jerry drawled. “If women and abortionists faced jail time, the number would have dropped dramatically.”

 Pat nodded in agreement. “I agree,” he smirked/chuckled. “I tried my best to overturn that decision. Allowing women to have abortions was simply not in keeping with your teaching about the sanctity of life.”

 Jesus stared at the men and shook his head. “I’ll ask again, gentlemen; what did either of you do to stop abortions? You’re both supposedly so smart; a reasonable answer shouldn’t be too difficult – “

 “For the record, Lord,” Jerry said, “only Pat said he was smart. Officially speaking, I haven’t claimed any sort of intelligence.”

 “Duly noted,” Jesus replied sarcastically. “Why would either of you believe a law would stop abortions? Let me clue you in – people drank during Prohibition, and they continue to do illegal drugs during your so-called ‘war on drugs.’ Laws don’t stop people from doing those things they feel are necessary for survival, and that’s what this is about. The key to stopping abortions has nothing to do with giving the government the power to throw women and doctors in jail; it comes from reducing the desire for abortion, which means having compassion for the woman and her plight, and acting before she gets to the stage at which she’s considering terminating her pregnancy. Funny thing is, while you two worked so hard to pass a law against abortion, you actively supported budget cuts for programs designed to help poor women and their already-born children. Do you have any clue that such a move made women more desperate and more likely to choose to terminate the pregnancy? And what about the effect on the kids they already had? You showed all sorts of compassion for the fetus, but none for the baby once it came out of the womb.”

 “Lord,” Jerry said, “my ministry oversaw operations that actively tried to place orphaned children into good, Christian two-parent households. We were able to place thousands of children into nice homes. We also passed out large bags of groceries to those in need in communities all over the world.”

 “We did a lot for the poor as well, Lord,” Jerry insisted. “Volunteers from my church went around the communities and handed out bags of groceries to the elderly and infirmed. There weren’t very many poor families near our church, so we didn’t get to do as much as I’d have liked. And just like Pat’s ministry, we worked hard to place orphaned children into good, loving Christian homes.”

 “Well, you didn’t do enough if you were both multi-millionaires at the end of your lives,” Jesus remarked. “But the whole adoption issue brings up two questions; what did you do to help the children already in good families, and just happened to be poor? And how many children did you not place, because the people who wanted to adopt them were either non-Christian, single or gay?”

 “We had to be discriminating, Lord,” Jerry insisted. “Ours was a Christian organization, and we owed it to our congregation to adhere to strict Christian principles, as well as the law. We couldn’t in good conscience put children into non-Christian homes, one parent households or gay households. May I also remind you that, not only was homosexuality considered to be against Biblical principles; it was against most state laws.”

 “First of all, your demonstrated knowledge of ‘Biblical principles’ is quite suspect at this point,” Jesus remarked. “But even worse, you don’t seem to care about the children. On the one hand, you touted adoption as an alternative to abortion, but then you made it more difficult for children to be adopted. What sense did that make?”

 “Our goal was to place children in the best homes,” Jerry replied.

 “No, your goal was to place people in homes that complied with your strict definition of what constituted an acceptable ‘lifestyle’,” Jesus said. “Do you realize, in your country alone, nearly a million children remained in the system at any given time, and would never be adopted? At the same time, thousands of loving people wanted to adopt them, but were turned away because they weren’t ‘perfect parents’ under your unrealistic definition of ‘family.’”

 “My Precious Lord, we just thought it was wrong not to do out best to place those children into good, solid homes with two stable Christian parents,” Pat chimed in. It was obvious he was trying to deflect some of the criticism away from his friend; a laudable trait, albeit late in the game.

 “First of all, in your country, nearly half the kids in the country were being primarily raised by one parent at any given time,” Jesus reminded them. “Second of all, many children in two-parent Christian households are poorly raised and, in many cases, severely abused, and you actually supported politicians who actively cut funding for programs that addressed those problems. At the same time you were crying about the fetal casualties, you advocat against most birth control methods. That’s absurd. In essence, you were actually maximizing the number of abortions.

 “I’d like to talk about the birth control issue,” Jerry responded.

 “Please,” Jesus replied. “I’m all ears.”

Jerry cleared his throat and launched into full preacher mode. “Most forms of birth control violates God’s law because it wastes human life. All human life is precious, and most birth control methods cheapen, and even take, human lives. The Bible teaches us that life begins at conception.”

 “Yeah, well, that’s a crock,” Jesus said. “In fact, it makes no sense. I swear your knowledge of basic biology is as bad as your knowledge of Scripture. Sex and procreation are mechanical processes, Jerry, not feats of magic. Every time a man ejaculates, millions of sperm are released, right?”

 “Right,” Jerry nodded sheepishly. He was obviously uncomfortable with talk of bodily functions.

Jesus suppressed a snicker. Why were humans so intimidated by sex? He bit his lip and continued. “Forget about biology for a moment,” Jesus continued. “What about the moral aspect of this? Even if your logic was sound, your work to change the law was a long, arduous process. So, I’ll ask again; while you were working to change the law, how many abortions did you prevent?”

 “Well, I can’t speak for Pat,” Jerry replied, “but my church was very active in counseling women against aborting their child.”

 “So was mine,” Pat agreed. “My church often sent protesters to abortion clinics to block the doors, and we even set up alternative clinics where instead of abortions, we’d tell them about You, My Precious Lord and Savior.”

 “I see,” Jesus replied. “So, you lied and committed outright fraud in My Name?”

 “Well, um…” Pat stuttered, as he fidgeted in his seat.

 “This is the problem, gentlemen,” Jesus said. “I asked people to go out and encourage others to be better than they were. I never made any hard and fast rules about anything, contrary to what people like you teach in order to keep people in line. People act according to their conscience and circumstances, and their actions don’t always conform to a rigid set of absolute principles. In other words, times and circumstances change, as it were. If you teach people to treat each other more justly, people faced with difficult choices will ultimately make a moral one. If you two had bothered to read what I actually said, you would have figured out that God is not the authoritarian jerk you made Him out to be.

“With regard to abortion, for example, my words should have encouraged you to advocate for more sex education in schools; greater birth control availability; more support for single mothers in trying to locate runaway fathers and certainly more comprehensive welfare programs. Seriously; how can you, as so-called Christians – God, I hate that word -- care so much for a fetus, but not give a damn about those already born?”

 “We did care about them, Lord,” Pat piped up. “That’s why we set up huge foundations dedicated to feeding and clothing the poor.”

 “Foundations which required those asking for clothing to sit and listen to a sales pitch in order to qualify,” Jesus added sarcastically.

“It wasn’t a sales pitch,” Pat replied defensively. “We were trying to get the word out about you, Lord.”

“Don’t you think the simple act of handing out clothing and food, no questions asked, would have been sufficient for ‘getting the word out’?” Jesus asked. “Why do you have to preach constantly, and berate people for making what you consider to be wrong choices? Can’t you just perform an act of kindness and encourage folks to pass it on? And if you cared about the poor, why did you work so hard to reduce government assistance for them?”

Pat immediately went into smirk/chuckle mode. “We advocated against certain government programs because we felt it was our job as Christians to help the poor, not theirs. Besides, government was too inefficient.”

 “Why does it matter who does the job, or where the money comes from?” Jesus snapped. “I say, the more the merrier! If it’s possible to get everyone in a society to pitch in and help those in need, why would you discourage that? I didn’t say exactly how you were supposed to help the downtrodden; I just said to make sure they got the help.”

 “The government’s incompetence is legendary,” Pat replied sarcastically.

 “Oh, I don’t know,” Jesus said, “You accumulated $500 million that you were apparently unable to transfer to the poor; how efficient were you? How many millions remained cold and hungry, or even died, while your supposedly ‘efficient’ organizations collected far more money than you managed to spend?”

 “We also had a problem with the way the government collected taxes,” Jerry said. “Coercing people to pay was simply not the best way to go.”

 “You have to be joking with this,” Jesus replied curtly. “Most of your donations came as a direct result of coercion! Scaring people into giving by implying they’d face eternal damnation if they didn’t support you isn’t coercion?”

 Jerry and Pat looked down sheepishly. It was obvious things were not going as they had expected. It was difficult to read shame or humility on these two -- he wasn’t even sure they knew what those concepts entailed -- but their initial arrogance had diminished significantly.

 “It just chaps my ass that you two bozos worked so hard to supposedly save fetuses, but you worked even harder to cut the poor off at the knees,” Jesus said.

 “Lord, we were teaching people to fish,” Jerry said. “You know the old saying, ‘If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime,’ as it were.”

 “You’re not supposed to starve the man while you teach him to fish!” Jesus snapped. “How were you ‘teaching men to fish’ by forcing them to choose between heating and eating?”

 “When backed into a corner, you’d be surprised at the strength people find within themselves,” Jerry remarked.

 “Excuse me, but don’t even begin to tell me what people are capable of!” Jesus snapped. “Your entire premise is a complete crock. Following that reasoning, robbery shouldn’t be a crime, because taking your things effectively forces you, the victim, to grow. Don’t you get it? People should be entitled to a roof over their heads and food in their bellies, at the very least. Yet while you were down there, you cynically sided with those who seemed to think a single mother trying to scrape by on a few hundred a month was being handed the keys to a mansion and a sports car.

“And let me be brutally honest,” Jesus added. “If you’re going to claim moral leadership, compassion is a must. And I don’t mean the cynical misuse of the word that your political brethren engaged in, either. Don’t think I didn’t notice that little ‘compassionate conservative’ fraud; there are lots of people in a heap of trouble for throwing that word around and not following through, let me tell you. Compassion is about caring for the well being of all people, not just those of whom you approve. In fact, if you would have understood what I actually said, you’d know that you were expected to specifically help the ones you don’t approve of.”

 “Lord, with all due respect, we lived in the United States of America, the greatest country in the history of the world,” Jerry opined, as though he was back in the pulpit. “In our country, anyone willing to work hard can become as rich as he’d like. Most poor are so because they’ve historically been unwilling to take the initiative to do something about it.”

 “Bullshit,” Jesus shouted. Before the eyes averted, he added, “And don’t avert your eyes!”

 Pat and Jerry gulped. It was obvious they now understood the term “fear of the Lord.”

 “This is why I’m doing this myself,” Jesus said. “People who use the term ‘Christian’ – Did I tell you I hate that word? – and claim religious and moral leadership seem to have no clue what I was about. I spoke of God’s love; I didn’t go down there to draw attention and glory for myself; I was trying to get you to pay attention to Him. Truth be told, the original plan was for me to retire and enjoy Heaven like everyone else. Unfortunately, that’s not working out too well, because I have to constantly deal with people like you. Why is it that people like you simply cannot get it right?”

 “We’re sorry, Lord,” Jerry muttered sheepishly. Not entirely sincere, but perhaps humility was possible with these two, after all.

“The reason there are poor is because that’s where the human race is with regard to its evolution,” Jesus said. “And yes, gentlemen, evolution is a fact, gentlemen, not just a theory.”

The two men gasped, as though the mere thought was inconceivable.

“Oh, please,” Jesus chided, “Why would anyone make a world with varying climates and weather patterns, and not make every species adaptable? Actually, humans are the only species God did create.”

“I knew we didn’t descend from apes!” Jerry drawled happily. He obviously enjoyed being correct.

“Actually, you did, kind of,” Jesus snickered. “The fact is, humans were essentially gorillas with reason. They most certainly weren’t the good looking modern white people you see in most depictions of Adam and Eve.”

“Well, I had a feeling the creation story rang truer than the rest of the Old Testament,” Pat said smirked/chuckled. “Adam and Eve were the first humans.”

“Well, not exactly,” Jesus said. “God actually created thousands of humans over the course of several millennia, and dispersed them all over the world. The whole idea was to create a being that watched over all of the other beings; a caretaker, if you will. Unfortunately, all it seems that the only thing humans can do better than apes is destroy things.”

“We’ve also conquered many diseases,” Jerry noted.

“No, actually, you haven’t,” Jesus said. “Remember evolution? All you’ve managed to do is force certain diseases to mutate into other diseases.”

“Many humans also work hard to alleviate human suffering,” Pat said.

“Of course, most human suffering on Earth is caused by other humans in the first place,” Jesus reminded him. “Most human suffering would cease if you people just stopped treating each other so badly. Speaking of which, Pat, perhaps you can explain those diamond mines of yours?”

 “What do you mean, Lord?” Pat asked.

 “Pat, remember who you’re talking to,” Jesus said. “We both know how your so-called ‘church’ made a lot of its money.”

 “We developed a very successful cable television network,” Pat smirked/chuckled nervously. “That’s how we made our money.”

 “No, Pat, it’s not.” Jesus grinned, but he was not happy. Why would someone purposely obfuscate when he found himself in such a position? He understood human arrogance, but based on their alleged belief systems, this was the big enchilada; eternity. “You want to stick with that answer?”

 Pat stared back defiantly. “Yes, Lord, I do.”

 “So, you didn’t own a series of diamond mines?” Jesus asked pointedly.

 “I owned shares in some diamond mines,” Pat said. “I used most of the money to fund my ministry, and help the poor in the countries in which the mines were situated.”

 “I see,” Jesus said. “And how much assistance did you direct to the poor in those countries, exactly?”

 “I tithed, of course,” Pat said.

 “So you gave the country that provided you with slave labor a whopping ten percent?” Jesus asked.

 “Those were just vicious rumors,” Pat smirked/chuckled. “I knew nothing about the use of slave labor in any of my mines.” He was having a difficult time focusing on Jesus; it was obvious he was lying.

 “So, the dictator of that particular country used slave labor in the hundred or so other diamond mines he owned, but not yours?” Jesus remarked. “Guess you caught him in a great mood. What sort of deal did you make to get such a concession?”

 “Lord, I bought the mines from friends, and they made those sorts of arrangements long before I got into it,” Pat explained, although his smirk/chuckle was gone. “I was merely an investor with several others; I had no input to the day-to-day operations of the mines.”

 “Well, they were operated with slave labor, and I think you knew,” Jesus said. “And if you didn’t know, you should have. You always claimed such moral superiority, but wouldn’t a truly moral person always be aware of the effects of his actions on others? I know it’s common for humans to consider ignorance to be a valid excuse for their transgressions, but you can’t do such a thing and then claim a moral high ground. When you invest in an enterprise, you do so of your own free will, and you bear the burden of responsibility for anything that occurs as you rake in the money. You should have known, and you should have done everything in your power to stop the practice.”

 “I see your point, Lord,” Pat admitted. His smirk/chuckle had returned, albeit more subdued. “But there were so many things going on in my own country. People all over were violating God’s Word left and right. People were lying, cheating and fornicating all over the place, and I felt they needed to stop, and would, if only they knew Your Word. So, we raised money to get the Word of God into as many homes as possible.”

“So, to get people to act morally, you chose to act immorally, and look the other way as an abomination – a true abomination – was happening right under your nose?” Jesus asked.

Pat hung his head in what Jesus could only assume was mock shame. Jesus cleared his throat, and immediately, all eyes were on Him.

“Where is it written that it’s okay to treat people badly, as long as your intentions are good,” Jesus said. “Even if you two had the best intentions in telling people about God, there’s no excuse for the moral turpitude you demonstrated in raising money to support that endeavor. You two were all about money and power, and little else.”

Jesus sauntered over to the desk, picked up a mug and took a long sip of water. To their credit, the two evangelists remained quiet.

 “The problem with humans at this stage of their evolution is their view of capitalism, to be quite honest,” Jesus continued. “Capitalism is a fine economic model, if properly regulated, but it’s become a religion with people like you and Pat. Money has supplanted God for a lot of you so-called preachers. I see no evidence that your supposed piety was anything but a power grab, by using God to create fear in people, to make them feel they had to support you.”

“Lord, I resent the implication that I was after any sort of political power,” Jerry said. “My goal was simply to reverse the trend in which Christians suffered some very significant discrimination by the government.”

 “That’s absurd,” Jesus snickered, “Last I checked, more than four-fifths of the people in your country considered themselves Christian. By definition, it’s impossible to discriminate against a majority in a democracy. There was no discrimination, just a separation of church and state.”

 “There is no such thing as a separation of church and state in the Constitution,” Pat insisted.

 “Pat, I thought you had a law degree,” Jesus snickered. “There is a very clear separation of church and state in your Constitution; your country’s founders put it there quite purposefully. They had either experienced, or were familiar with, actual religious discrimination of some sort, and wanted to prevent further instances of it. By the way, those founders were not all Christian, although the Christians all felt that separation was a good thing, and I agree. Even I advocated for it while I was down there. Don’t you remember what I said about rendering unto Caesar?”

 “But, Lord,” Jerry complained, “They took prayer out of the schools, took the Ten Commandments out of the courthouse and they even kicked the Baby Jesus out of the town square in many places. I’m telling you, groups like the ACLU are organizations borne of Satan himself.”

 “Pat, who do you think you’re talking to?” Jesus laughed. “I am the ‘Baby Jesus’! They only took prayer out of the public schools, and the Ten Commandments out of the secular courthouse. As for those stupid Nativity scenes, I just have one thing to say. The basis for Christianity – and one of the reasons I hate it – is that I’m somehow God. If that was true, I would think the Commandment about false idols would apply to any depiction of me, baby or otherwise. But I’m not God, so you were advocating to demand that everyone look at a plastic baby with a light bulb up its ass.”

 “I never looked at it that way,” Jerry muttered.

 “Of course you didn’t,” Jesus replied. “That’s why I’m here; you poisoned a whole bunch of people against my actual message, by pushing your alternate view of things, and did far more damage than the ACLU could ever dream of. Separation of church and state is an absolute necessity, and I think you know that. I think your motivation in everything was purely power-related.”

 “I beg your pardon, Lord,” Jerry complained. “But I sincerely thought I was following your Word.”

“Don’t insult me,” Jesus said. “Look at your record. You invoked My Name against groups like the ACLU; you claimed God encouraged terrorists to kill people; you even insinuated that diseases like AIDS were God’s revenge and implied that God would turn his back on folks should they vote for Democrats. Do you seriously think God takes sides in elections?”

 “We supported candidates we thought were Godly,” Pat said. “I wanted a government that supported good moral values, and did what we thought was right.”

 “And yet, you most often supported the candidate who was least moral, many of whom demonstrated questionable ethics, at the very least,” Jesus said.

 “I will admit that some we supported later turned out to be a bit less than advertised,” Pat smirked/chuckled, “But we both supported conservative Christian candidates, because we thought they were best for the country.”

 “Well, I seem to remember a presidential candidate whom you claimed was ‘blessed by God,’” Jesus said. “And you continued to give him unerring support even after he started an unnecessary war against a country unable to defend itself. And you continued to support him, even after it was clear he had overseen the torture of hundreds of people, and even after he cut programs for the poor and infirmed, while handing over that money to the rich. Of course, since you two were among the richest people in the country, I’m thinking you probably didn’t mind.”

 “I never put my own welfare ahead of the welfare of society as a whole,” Jerry insisted. “My emphasis, however, was more spiritual, encouraging people to prepare for the next life. The President you speak of was a good man, though in the end it was clear he was in a little over his head.”

 “A lack of basic intelligence and common sense was the least of his problems,” Jesus said. “That man lied and cheated to become president in the first place, he never owned up to any of his mistakes either before or during his presidency, and he presided over the most corrupt regime in the history of your country. When he was finished, and it became obvious that half of the people in his administration would be indicted for some ethical violation or another, this so-called ‘paragon of virtue’ pardoned every last one of them. There was nothing moral about him, or most of the politicians you supported, yet you were loyal to the very end.”

“I resent the implication that I acted in an unethical manner!” Pat said. His legal training had taken over, and he seemed hopping mad, causing his smirk/chuckle to become somewhat manic. “I was taught Your Word by some of the greatest Biblical scholars of the 20^th Century, and I worked hard my entire life to live by that Word. I wasn’t perfect, to be sure – all men fall short of the glory of God, after all – but my intentions were always honorable.”

“Well, I think the slaves in those diamond mines would disagree,” Jesus remarked.

“In Pat’s defense,” Jerry said, “if he hadn’t run those mines, someone else would have. At least the money went for a good purpose; spreading Your Word far and wide throughout the world.”

Jesus turned to Jerry and glared ferociously. “You have to be kidding!” He snapped. “So, in your mind, it would’ve been okay for Mother Teresa to rob trains, so long as the money went to help the poor? That’s insane! Using slave labor to raise money for a church is not defensible by anyone. And neither are some of your actions, Jerry. Weren’t you once investigated by the government for selling fraudulent bonds to build your church?”

 “Yes, Lord, I was,” Jerry said. “But I was found innocent.”

 “No, you weren’t,” Jesus sniffed. “In fact, at the time of your death by shark, the government was looking into several questionable financial dealings, including that one. You also once claimed that God Himself was underwriting your church’s bonds, and that He had a Triple-A rating. Why would you think it okay to make a fraudulent claim in God’s name, except as a vain attempt to intimidate people into doing your bidding?”

 “That wasn’t it at all,” Jerry stammered. He had slipped out of preacher mode, and into “earnest” mode. “When I was a very young man, God called me to preach the Gospel. I started a small church, and within a few years, the church outgrew two buildings. It was then that I decided to go on television; that way, everyone who wanted to attend services could. We bought some time on a local station, and found our message was reaching more people than we ever imagined, which encouraged us to reach out to everyone in the country and the world. That takes money – lots of money. To get the money we needed, we needed investors –“

 “Stop right there!” Jesus interrupted. “Again, I ask - who told you to do all of that in the first place?”

 “You instructed your followers to go out and preach the Gospel, My Precious Lord and Savior,” Jerry replied. “That’s what I was doing.”

 “Will you stop calling me that?” Jesus said. “It just sounds phony. My name is Jesus, just Jesus. I don’t want to hear all of that ‘Lord and Savior’ bullshit.”

“I’m sorry, Jesus,” Jerry replied sheepishly.

“Now, even assuming that the stuff you were preaching made sense –not a safe assumption, believe me -- if each so-called ‘Christian’ talked to a few others, wouldn’t everyone eventually know about me? What purpose does it serve for you and Pat to bombard the entire world day after day for upwards of 50 years? And why do you think your message is more important than all of the others? Do you think you have some sort of special knowledge others are not privy to?”

 “No, Jesus,” Jerry replied awkwardly, “of course not.”

 “So,” Jesus said, “was there a reason -- other than unbridled arrogance, of course -- for raising tons of money by fraudulent means, using the Lord’s Name in vain?”

 “In my entire life, I have never used the Lord’s name in vain!” Jerry objected.

 “Of course you have!” Jesus said. “Do you think it refers to using God’s name as an epithet? If so, you’d be wrong again. It’s about invoking His name to get something, or giving him credit or blame for something that He had nothing to do with. Every time you even implied that God would smite someone for engaging in activity you didn’t approve of, or suggested that God would do something bad should someone not support the right preacher, you were using His name in vain. And every time one of you claimed to heal someone and gave yourself and God the credit, that qualified as well. God simply doesn’t work like that. Diseases are living, breathing organisms; He doesn’t control what they do. Put simply, God doesn’t do magic tricks.”

 “Well, we didn’t call them magic tricks,” Pat interjected. “We called them miracles.”

“Magic tricks, miracles,” Jesus said, “It’s a distinction without a difference, Pat. Things don’t work that way. Speaking of diseases, both of you have said on various occasions said that AIDS was God's punishment for homosexuals, or worse, God's punishment for a society which tolerates homosexuals. Why would you say such a thing?”

 “Well, as I said before,” Jerry explained carefully. “I felt that homosexuality was an abomination, and that God punished those who disobey. Now, I guess I know that was wrong.”

“It’s not only flat wrong, Jerry,” Jesus said. “It’s also completely illogical! Think a little, will you? As I said before, according to your belief system, God is the most powerful being in existence. So why did you always portray him as some sort of frustrated diva? Why would any superior being have temper tantrums and make his own creations suffer because they sin? I’m puzzled as to why you insist on imbuing God with the worst of human traits?”

 “I guess I never thought of it that way,” Jerry said. “But the Bible contains many instances where God exacted retribution on those who violated His laws.”

“First of all, you need to know that most of the stories in the Bible are just that; stories,” Jesus said. “They’re not meant to be taken literally, as historical fact. I mean, doesn’t it strike you as a bit illogical that Noah was able to find two of every animal species in the world and fit them all on a wooden boat about the size of a small cruise ship? And why would God destroy all life with a flood because a few humans acted up?  In order to have faith – real faith, and not false piety, you must understand what you actually claim to believe. For example, in your beloved Christianity, I’m supposed to be the Savior, right?”

 “Of course,” they both answered simultaneously.

 “And didn’t the Old Testament say the coming of the savior would mean the end of such retribution?” Jesus queried.

 “Yes, of course it did,” Jerry answered authoritatively, as Pat winced.

 “Okay,” Jesus said. “So you knew this, and yet claimed that such things as AIDS and terrorist attacks were God’s retribution. Glad we got that straightened out.”

Jesus turned his attention to Pat and smirked. “How about you, Pat? Why did you portray God as some sort of pissy prima donna?”

 “I probably misspoke a few times, Lord,” Pat admitted, the smirk/chuckle replaced with a serious tone. “But mostly, I praised God for His remarkable love and compassion for the human race –“

 “And warned them that they were headed for Hell if they didn’t comply with some made-up behavioral rules,” Jesus added. “You both seemed to be experts on what was supposedly good and bad behavior, but neither of you did anything to make the world a better place.”

 “Jesus, I realize that I have not been a perfect human,” Jerry said. “But I tried hard to do your work while down there. Both of us set up foundations to feed the poor, and instructed members of my church to go out into the community and give help wherever needed. But I didn’t keep as much of my money as Pat; most of my money actually went to preaching the Word.”

 “What about living the Word?” Jesus asked. “How much of My Word did you actually live by?”

 “I lived a good, clean, God-filled life, Jesus,” Jerry responded. “I worked hard, took care of my family, never had sex outside of marriage, only cussed a few times, usually when I hurt myself, and I never broke the law. I was very clean cut, as they say, because I believed that being so brought me closer to you.”

 “Same here, Jesus,” Pat smirked/chuckled. “I was a good father, a wonderful husband, and always honest and forthright. I always told people what I thought, even if they really didn’t want to hear it at times. I also never said bad words, and I prayed each and every day, so that I could be closer to you.”

 “I prayed, too,” Jerry rushed to add. “I prayed several times a day, and always kneeled to do so, to display the proper reverence.”

 “You know, if you two are examples of religious leadership in the world, it’s no wonder people have such a hard time believing,” Jesus said, shaking his head with disgust. I’m glad the two of you took care of your families, and it’s good that you saw fit to try to live your life in a pious manner. But most people do that, regardless of religious belief; that certainly doesn’t qualify you as any sort of religious or spiritual leader. There’s a lot more to my teachings than simply doing what you’re supposed to do, like taking care of those you should take care of and not saying bad words. It’s about taking care of those on the bottom, regardless of whether or not they’re related to you by blood, and regardless of whether or not you approve of the things they do, as long as they’re not hurting anyone else. You can preach until the cows come home, but without action to back it up, there’s no point to any of it. People all over the world do wonderful things for others, including many of those you claimed were condemned to Hell because they didn’t believe what you did. So many people go into poor areas and build homes and schools; they teach people to read and write; they vaccinate children and adults and show them how to live better lives.  Those people, including many who profess no belief in God or me, will find themselves on the fast track to a good afterlife, make no mistake about that. The strange thing is, you two self-professed ‘Christian’ leaders have worked against those people, and even undermined the efforts of these human angels. You two have always acted as if you thought knew better than anyone else what I was about.”

 “That’s simply not true,” Pat replied.

 “It is true, Pat,” Jesus said. “And based on that, I’ve decided that the two of you have no place here with me.”

 “What?” both men gasped at once. They turned ashen, and every ounce of remaining arrogance was drained from them.

 “Oh, my God,” Jerry cried. “We’re doomed to an eternity in damnation? I can’t believe it!”

 “Well, don’t believe it,” Jesus said. “Hell is another of those concepts that is ridiculous on its face. Seriously, you guys; God is a rational being; what sense would it make to toss a soul into a fiery pit for all eternity, based on less than a century of life and a few really bad choices? There is no Hell.”

 “Oh, thank God,” Pat responded.

 “Yeah, be sure to do that next time, won’t you?” Jesus quipped.

 “Next time?” Jerry asked.

 “Yes, Jerry,” Jesus said. “Surely, you’ve heard of reincarnation?”

 “Yes, of course,” Jerry said.

 “Well, that was something else you got wrong,” Jesus said with a grin. “People like you laughed at Shirley MacLaine and Buddhists, but they know what they’re talking about. We usually do a good job of erasing the memory of past lives; in Shirley must have been the victim of an oversight. Anyway, that’s what we do with souls who aren’t ready to be here. You get to go down there and do it all over again.”

 “Thank you, Lo- er, Jesus,” Jerry said. “I promise to learn from my mistakes and do better next time.”

 “Me, too,” Pat nodded in agreement.

 “You two simply don’t listen, do you?” Jesus asked pointedly. “Didn’t you just hear the part about memory erasure? You’ll have to start from scratch. There’ll be a few evolutionary adjustments, but other than that, you’re on your own.”

 “I don’t understand,” Pat said.

 “I know,” Jesus said. “That was your problem for most of your 80 years on Earth. You don’t get to learn from your mistakes; in order for the human race to evolve, it has to develop better instincts. You two were lazy and power mad; you’re your reliance on God and Me was incidental to your true goals and true nature. If you could have achieved the same level of power through gardening, you’d have been florists. You two were abject failures, but the failure was God’s, not yours. We’ll make some adjustments and throw your souls back down there over and over until we get it right.”

 “Then what was all of this for?” Jerry asked. “If you knew where we were going when we got here, why did you put us through all of this?”

 “For fun,” Jesus replied. “I thought a fitting end to your lives was to butt heads with me. I needed a little play time. I mean, there are a lot of false prophets on Earth, but you two were especially abominable. I even suggested to God He create a Hell, just for you. Lucky for you, He has more patience than I do. Anyway, gentlemen; off you go. I’m done with you.”

 And with that, the room went dark.