©2002 Milt Shook
Incarnation
By Milt Shook
Once upon a time there was a man named Phineas.
I’m laughing here, but what does “once upon a time” mean, anyway? It’s in so many of your cute little stories, but have you ever thought about what it means? It’s just so much babble. First of all, there is no such thing as “time,” to speak of; that’s just something you people use to mark the distance between life and death. And frankly, you would live a whole lot longer if you simply abolished it, and lived your life not thinking about it. Have you ever noticed that, as you get older, time seems to speed by much faster? That’s a function of your obsession with it, you know. Abolish the concept and, ironically, you’ll live longer and happier.
I would also point out that Phineas is most certainly is not a man. But I’ll retain the term, because it works by way of description, since you people are simply incapable of understanding what Phineas actually is; your perceptive skills are extremely limited. “Man” is what Phineas created, and while he says he created you people in his image, he’s speaking in grand hyperbole. He’s not a miracle worker, by any means; he’s not capable of creating another Phineas. Therefore, if you’re a man, he couldn’t possibly be a man.
So, how would I describe him? By human standards, he’s pretty much impossible to describe, although he’s considered pretty much average where I’m from. He’s my boss, however, so keep that n the down low. Not that you’ll ever meet him; he tends to keep to himself.
I know that referring to him by his actual name, Phineas, confuses you as well. You people have so many names for him, and they crack us up around here. I mean, let me assure you, he’s not a “god.” He runs this place, of course, but he has a wife, six kids and a little too much debt and anxiety, just like everyone else. If you ever see him – and again, it’s not very likely -- just call him Phineas; he absolutely hates those other names. He used to tolerate them, but frankly, too many humans have abused them, and his good nature. And let’s be real; you people do invoke them under the most inappropriate circumstances. And it’s not just those times when you shout for him to damn something. It also upsets him when you ask him to take sides in sporting events, divorces or wars, among other things.
I don’t know why you do that, anyway; it wouldn’t really matter if he took sides. He isn’t really all that powerful, per se; he’s just enormous when compared to you. He can alter the weather or make the Earth quake, and he’s been known to do that occasionally, just for amusement. And I guess he could wipe out all life down there if he wanted, but why would he do such a thing? If he did, the experiment would be over and he’d lose the grant. The bottom line is, he’s incapable of anything that would affect individual lives. He has really big hands with long, bony fingers, so he doesn’t have that sort of dexterity. Not only that, but he has to take his glasses off to read, which means his sight can’t be good enough to manipulate anything so small. Imagine you trying to pick up a single grain of sand with your fingers. To pick up a human, he’d need a huge magnifying glass and a pair of specially-made tweezers. We all love that fantasy you folks have, in which Phineas hears prayers and grants wishes. It’s cute, but not possible. It would take tens of thousands of you shouting the same thing at once for him to hear you, and no one’s hearing is that good. And anyway, interference with life on Earth is against the rules and could actually void the experiment, and he’d lose his grant. And his kids do have to eat. So forget blaming everything on Phineas’ will; life and death is pretty much dependent on what living creatures do to their world, not due to his whims and fancies.
I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this; it really has little to do with this story. But I’m sure you’re wondering how I know all of this.
Well, my name is Bartholomew, and I’m what most of your would refer to as a soul. Most living beings have souls but unfortunately the manufacturing process is slow, and Phineas is a bit of a perfectionist, so production’s fallen behind, forcing us to leave many beings soulless. Believe me; he’s aware of the problem and he’s trying to fix it, because it’s not only a problem down there; the shortage has also caused problems up here. I mean, souls want the best assignments just like everyone else. Unfortunately, with the restrictions Phineas was forced to put on us, getting the best assignments is often an impossible task.
Oh, yeah, I forgot; you don’t really know what a soul is. Humans have such a warped idea about what you laughingly call spirituality. Funny how you tend to lump everything you can’t easily explain into that all-encompassing category. Part of the problem is those infernal books you people read for “enlightenment.” They sell them up here, too, but we put them in the “Humor” section. We’re particularly fond of the one you refer to as The Bible.
By the way, do you know how The Bible came to be? You’ll laugh when I tell you.
See, a really famous human writer named Gideon once left some scrolls – a collection of short stories, as it turned out -- at an inn one night when he was forced to leave in a hurry. An angel found them and gave them to Phineas, who read them and laughed like crazy. He was so amazed that such funny stories could contain such great lessons that he instructed some angels to begin leaving them at inns all over the world. They still do, in fact, and Gideon’s name is on every one. (Phineas believes in giving credit where credit is due.) I’ve never read it, myself, but the stories in that thing must have been good, because they’ve captivated humans for thousands of your years. Of course, the decision to spread that book far and wide, and allow humans themselves to copy and translate it is one of the few that Phineas probably regrets, because of the havoc they’ve caused. I know they drive everyone up here crazy.
But I’m getting off track here. I was trying to explain a soul. I’m not sure if you’re advanced enough to understand the concept, but I’ll try. Think of a soul as a sentient being’s moral guidance system, in a way. Each of us is each assigned a being, and we are inserted into a slot just above the left ear just after birth. See what I mean? Your jaw’s practically dropping to the floor. How can we do that without anyone noticing, right? I told you; the human concept of “time” is really screwy. You’re so obsessed with it that we’re able to insert ourselves into a being while you’re looking at your watch, which you do constantly. If you people realized how much of your precious “time” you wasted trying to keep track of it, you’d have a much better life. A soul actually inserts itself into a being in what you would consider two “milliseconds,” at least in humans. We can take as long as we want in other beings, because they don’t share your time obsession.
I know you won’t really understand the concept of a soul, but I have to get back to my story. All you really have to understand is that I’m a soul.
Though Phineas and I have become very close, the relationship developed over time, as Phineas changed my whole perspective on being a soul. Our first discussion had to do with restrictions he’d placed on souls; restrictions that I felt were unfair. I wasn’t exactly a rabble-rouser back then, but I was not a happy camper. But I had a bad attitude and he turned it around.
It all started as I stood in one of those endless lines up here, waiting to choose my assignment.
“I don’t want to be a dog!” I protested to Hannibal. “I’ve been a dog twice before, and I hate it! There’s nothing to do!”
“Dogs are among Phineas’ noblest creatures,” Hannibal sniffed. “There’s a reason they’re considered man’s best friend, you know.”
“Oh, please, Hanny,” I complained. “I’d expect that kind of reasoning from a human, but not you. Dogs aren’t noble, they’re stupid. If it wasn’t for their total dependence on humans for food and comfort, they’d kill their owners. Their entire existence consists of eating, sleeping, barking and licking themselves. That’s about it.”
“Don’t be silly,” Hannibal replied. “There’s more to them than that. Besides; you don’t become a dog; you’ll simply be its soul. You don’t lick anything; the dog does.”
“Spare me,” I sighed. “I’ve had three dog vessels and I know what I’m talking about. I want a challenge this time and there’s no challenge to a dog. It’s pretty much bite, don’t bite; scratch, don’t scratch; who needs it? I want a human vessel again. They’re fun.”
“Every soul up here wants a human vessel,” Hannibal replied drolly.
“Can you blame them?” I exclaimed. “Humans are the greatest challenge there is, because they’re stupid, but they think they’re the only beings on Earth capable of reason.”
“I’ve been up here too long,” Hannibal snickered and shook his head. “They actually think that?”
“Yes!” I laughed. “Can you imagine? That’s what makes them such a challenge! They seriously think they’re the most important creatures on the planet.”
“Amazing,” Hannibal sighed. “Wonder what makes them so delusional.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know, but that’s what makes for an interesting assignment. The soul of a human criminal born in poverty has a more interesting time than the soul of a dog, because of the poor guy makes millions of choices throughout his life, and they have a lot of emotion to deal with. It’s the best, Hanny!”
“Well, I’m afraid you don’t have a human among your choices here,” Hannibal advised. “You know the quota; you’ve had your six human lives.”
“Yeah, well, two of them shouldn’t even count!” I insisted.
“Oh, come on, Bartholomew.” Hannibal’s rolled his eyes and he waved me off. “You’ve told me the stories a billion times. One died in the incubator just days after you were inserted, and the other died of malnutrition before its first birthday. I get it. But that’s the luck of the draw. Each soul gets six human vessels and that’s it. If you don’t want a dog, I have some dolphin openings. They’re pretty smart.”
“I just don’t understand any of this,” I responded. I was really irritated. It was just so unfair. “It doesn’t make sense.”
“Well, if it makes you feel better, Phineas is considering rules changes and increasing the human allotment soon. But until then, there’s nothing I can do.”
“Well, how long will I have to wait?” I asked.
“Wow,” Hannibal laughed. “You sound like the humans, always preoccupied with “time.” That’s one of the dangers of being a human’s soul, you know; the residual effects of that lousy human education. Phineas will probably announce the changes soon. Do a couple of dogs or cats; if you’re so preoccupied with time, they’re perfect; their lives are very short. By the time you’re finished with them, you’ll probably be able to be a human soul again.” He looked at his list once more. “Hey! We also have monkeys available, if you’re interested. They’re close to human, and you’re still below quota for those.”
“Monkey?” I laughed. “That’s almost as bad as a dog.”
“Oh, stop,” Hannibal sniffed. “They sit in trees, watch other animals and laugh at them. If you’re lucky, you’ll be sent to a zoo. Those things just study people all day. It’s almost as good as human.”
“No, Hanny,” I pouted. “Nothing else even comes close.”
“You’ve been human too often; you’re beginning to think like one,” Hannibal said. “Remember the human vessel who started out as Catholic and ended up an atheist? Phineas still likes to talk about that one.”
“Hey, I did a great job on that one,” I argued. “Humans are empty vessels when they’re born, and religious people – many of whom are soulless -- try to indoctrinate them as early as possible. Frankly, it’s a logical progression from Catholic to atheist. Catholics are indoctrinated into believing that Phineas is equal parts benevolent father and self-absorbed, petty jerk. Seriously, can you imagine bowing down and worshiping someone who would condemn you to an eternity of pain and torture because you messed up a couple of times during one incarnation? If Phineas was actually like that, I couldn’t work for him, could you?”
“I don’t get the whole “worship” thing, anyway,” Hannibal said. “Why would a supposedly omnipotent being be so self-absorbed?”
“Excellent point,” I agreed, although he was diverting my train of thought, so I steered the conversation back. “Anyway, I’ve figured out that the only way to guide them right is to get them to renounce that version of Phineas altogether, and steer them toward a better option, in which nature takes precedence. Phineas is a great guy, and humans should know he’s not a tyrant. He’s always been benevolent to them. To the extent he can be, anyway.”
“Well, he did have that ex-partner, Beelzebub,” Hannibal reminded me. “Remember his Mars project?”
“Oh, yeah, right,” I nodded. “I’d forgotten about that. They destroyed themselves pretty quickly.”
“Well, Earth isn’t doing much better,” Hannibal reminded me. “They haven’t been around as long, and they’re already on the brink of annihilation.”
“That’s why humans should receive souls first,” I sighed. “If every human had a soul, the Earth would be in better shape. Dogs, cats, monkeys and dolphins aren’t on the brink of destroying the experiment; humans are.”
“Yeah, well, Phineas would love to give every human a soul,” Hannibal replied. “But it’s difficult to manufacture that many with the quality control regimen he insists on. Plus, humans are procreating at a higher rate than Phineas ever dreamed possible. He’s even thrown some scary diseases into the mix, and they continue unabated.”
“Well, it’s no wonder,” I snickered. “He made sex too much fun. It’s one of the most exhilarating feelings a human has.”
“No kidding,” Hannibal nodded. “But the point is, it’s not possible to manufacture that many souls so fast, and other beings needs souls, too. Besides, humans are only in the process of annihilating themselves, and perhaps a few other species of mammals. The planet’s safe. Now, would you please choose from those available to you? People are waiting in line. Would you like to be assigned a monkey, dog, cat, dolphin or something else? Wait! Here’s a good one! A buffalo! I can even pinpoint the location; this one’s in Colorado. , You’ll just stand on a bluff, chew grass and commune with nature. That should relax you.”
“You mean bore me,” I responded.
“Well, if you’re not going to choose anything right now, please stand aside,” Hannibal requested. “If you don’t like the rules, you know who makes them.” He pointed in the direction of Phineas’ office. A
“This just isn’t fair,” I moaned.
“Oh, I think it’s more than fair,” announced a slightly high-pitched, nasal voice from behind me. Some of my human indoctrination must have kicked in again, because when I turned toward the voice, I really didn’t expect Him.
Phineas stood before me, his deep blue eyes piercing mine through thick black-rimmed glasses. I’d always imagined being greatly intimidated by Phineas, but instead, I was amused, although for some reason, I suddenly found myself incapable of rational thought.
“I just think it’s unfair!” was the only response I could muster. As it crossed my lips, I realized it was a pretty weak response when one is talking to the head honcho.
To my surprise, he didn’t freak out.
“Let’s take a walk,” he replied calmly. Silently, he led me down a path to a wide, beautiful green meadow. He led me to a magnificent old oak tree and motioned for me to be seated. I did as he asked. The grass was soft, and as I leaned against the tree, a feeling of comfort washed over me. Phineas sat on the grass across from me, although he seemed to wince slightly as he crossed his legs. He pulled his long dark hair into a ponytail behind him. When he was comfortable, he folded his hands and placed them in his lap.
“I know you don’t like the quotas,” Phineas sighed. “No one does, and honestly I’m sick of the whining. So, you’re the unfortunate soul who gets to answer the question; what would you suggest we do differently?” He absent-mindedly grabbed a blade of grass and began to gnaw on it.
I leaned back against the tree and tried to think of something to say that might prove myself worthy of Phineas himself? Unfortunately, I found myself falling back into the human mindset again, and thinking the word “God.” See, the problem with us souls is, our thoughts are programmed for Phineas and the angels to read, so he caught me.
“Watch it,” he warned. He pushed his glasses back up onto his nose. “I don’t like being called that.”
“Sorry,” I blushed.
“Look, I’m asking you about this because I’m not all-knowing!” Phineas replied. Maybe I can use some help with this. I like the Earth I’ve created, and of course I want the experiment to be successful, but it’s just not looking good. The humans have taken over, and they’re really screwing things up. I may never be able to catch up on soul production, especially if the human population doubles again really soon, which seems likely. They do love the sex, don’t they?”
“Most of them,” I replied. “It’s your greatest creation, sir.”
Phineas nodded silently.
“Of course, on the bright side, if you can look at it that way, at the rate humans are killing off species, they may decimate enough other species to cover the difference.”
“Hmmph!” Phineas grunted. “That isn’t helpful, Bartholomew. I created a balance down there, and I don’t want the humans to screw up that balance any more than they already have.
“So, you have to make humans wiser,” I concluded. “Only humans with souls can ever gain true wisdom.”
“Are you kidding me?” Phineas snorted. “Did you get that from a human philosopher or a fortune cookie?”
“I just made it up,” I confessed. “But it’s true.”
“No, it isn’t,” Phineas replied sharply. “Wisdom derives from intelligence and reason, and intelligence and reason are products of minds open to all possibilities, as well as listening to the soul within. Are you going to sit there and tell me that every single person with a soul has listened to it and acted accordingly?”
“Well...” I blushed. Of course it wasn’t true, and I knew that, at least now.
“Don’t even attempt to spin that one,” Phineas smiled. “The soul is a guidance system; it doesn’t always stop all people who are doing horrible things. In fact, a lot of the humans doing the most damage down there aren’t even aware they’re doing it. Soccer moms buy minivans and SUVs because they want to take their kids to practice. They’re not evil, just unthinking.”
“Yes, but many of the people who sell the SUVs and drill for the oil are soulless, and can be pretty evil,” I insisted. I was nervous about speaking up, but he was actually quite nice.
“You have a point, but it’s not the few evil people that are causing all of the problems. It’s the others who follow blindly because they’re lulled into a false sense of comfort and security who are the real problem. And most of those people have souls. The soul mitigates some problems; it doesn’t solve everything.
“Yeah, but humans are still the key to the destruction of Earth,” I remind him. “Which means they’re also the key to its survival.”
“Who told you that?” Phineas chuckled. “Humans? That sounds like their tendency toward tortured logic. They are simply not capable of destroying every living creature in the world other than themselves. And they’re surely not going to destroy the planet. They’re only destroying themselves, by creating air they weren’t built to breathe. All of the beings I made were created to evolve and adapt, but the process isn’t instantaneous; it takes eight to ten generations to work, and at the rate they’re messing things up, they don’t have that many generations left. They could wipe out their own species, and perhaps a few hundred others, but there will still be life down there. Humans aren’t even the key species.” He grinned with pride, as if he had been aching to reveal that secret forever.
“You created a key species?” I asked, awestruck.
“Of course I did,” Phineas replied softly. “The only way this experiment will work is to create one species that is more important than all others. Of course, for security purposes, I can’t tell you what it is. Suffice it to say, humans are not alone in their ability to reason.”
“If so many species are capable of reason, why are humans so dominant?” I asked.
“Because they’re insecure,” Phineas sighed. “I’m not sure why, but for some reason their insecurity has caused them to develop an arrogant belief that they’re more important than every other species. I think it’s that damn book; they think having dominion is the same as dominating. It’s amazing; it seems as if almost every time I create a species, they figure out a way to eat it or burn it for fuel. How how much reason could humans have, when the sun beats down on them all of the time, but they burn fossil fuels to keep warm?”
“I see your point,” I mused. “I sure wish I knew the key species.”
“Why?” Phineas wondered. “What difference would it make?”
“Well, I have to pick a vessel, and I’d like to be assigned that species,” I reasoned. “Perhaps understanding that species would be the key to settling the unrest in the ranks. The reason so many souls want to be humans is because they’ve never heard what you just told me. Maybe if they were able to discover the truth, they’d feel differently.”
“Hmm, that’s a good point, Bartholomew,” Phineas agreed thoughtfully. He stroked his chin and again pushed his glasses back onto his nose. “In the past, I’ve been reticent to give that species a soul, because they’ve caused very little trouble, while humans are extremely difficult. Why don’t you be the species’ first soul? Then, when you’ve completed the assignment, you can report on it for us, and tell everyone how great it is.”
“Well, I don’t know,” I replied with hesitation. I really had no idea what I would even be saying yes to.
“Alright, I’ll make a deal with you,” Phineas offered. “We’ll assign you to this species, and when you come back, I’ll give you three extra human assignments in return for your report.”
“I get three extra human vessels?” I repeated back.
“Yes,” Phineas answered.
I thought it over for a moment. Phineas is quite honest, so it wasn’t the veracity of his offer that forced me to have to consider it, but rather the lack of knowledge of what I was getting into. But three extra human lives was too much to resist, in the end, so I agreed pretty quickly.
Anyway, I’m here to tell you; that assignment was the best. It was awesome; so awesome, I never want to be human again. But I’m talking to you guys because you should know what’s really going on here. Let me describe my day, and you’ll see how incredible it is.
My vessel and his wife scurry across the kitchen floor, and the walls and the counters, looking for anything to take back to the kids to eat. Look; we could find stuff outside, but inside, they’re more careless and life is easier. We mostly grow our own food, anyway; you’d be surprised what can grow on one corn flake over time, although we don’t obsess over time at all. I can’t remember the last time anyone in our colony even looked at a clock. Anyway, right now, we’re looking for a small snack, not a full meal. My vessel is nothing if not resourceful; he knows that humans think he’s dirty and carries disease, and they’ll kill him without a thought, so he mostly travels outside the colony at night, and he simply takes what he needs and gets out in a hurry. He heads straight for the dog’s food bowl, unseen, where he and the wife each grab a kibble before scurrying into a small hole behind the stove. Inside, the colony is electing a new leader. My vessel doesn’t care about politics; like most cockroaches, he’s only interested in improving the lives of those in the immediate community. He and his family grow their own food, share it with the others in the colony, and everyone simply takes what he or she needs. They stay within the community and all of them take an active role in building it and making it better. They think about everything, and everything they do is democratically based.
My ultimate message to all of you is simple. The cockroach is the key to all life. So the next time you’re in line to be reincarnated, don’t take the easy way out and become a human. In fact, I plan to trade some of my new human incarnations for extra cockroaches.
Comments